domingo, enero 15, 2006
Proyecto 'Desviado Espacial'
Colombia será potencia mundial y tendrá tecnología de punta para hacer carrera de viajes al espacio.

El centro de lanzamientos espaciales será en Chocontá (Cundinamarca), por aquello de las antenas, y empezará la cuenta regresiva para dar inicio a la ignición de los cohetes que impulsarán el trasbordador de nombre ‘Consentido II’.

Su tripulación estará compuesta por 2 caleños, 2 opitas, un pastuso y un costeño. Todos estudiados en las mejores universidades, reportados en Datacrédito y con PHD en empanadas y sancochos bailables y peleas de gallos. Unos más borrachines que otros pero eso sí todos con problemas de gastritis, escapulario en cuello del Niño del 20 de Julio, peinilla en el bolsillo del pantalón, un ‘calentaito’ en portacomidas que les prepararon sus respectivas esposas “para comer en el camino”, Mareol para el viaje, plata dentro de las medias por si acaso, jabones de motel en la maleta, fotos en la billetera de la mujer cuando era joven y tenía el copete ‘Alf’ y de ellos borrachos abrazando una cabeza de lechona.

El ‘Consentido II’ despegará a las 11 AM de un miércoles 14 de marzo. No el día anterior porque sería martes 13 y el director del proyecto tendrá Pico y Placa y acompañará al papá a cobrar la pensión y buscar al hijo en el colegio porque lo van a suspender por coger a balonazos la tienda cooperativa. También se eligirá esa fecha por datos leídos en el Almanaque Bristol.

El trasbordador será ensamblado en Cali y llevará en el fuselaje calcomanías de sus patrocinadores: Yogueta, Alberto VO5, Feria del Brasier y Solo Cucos, La Farra del Norte, Comapán, zapatos colegiales Verlón, Lechonería ‘La Arrozudita’, Aperitivo Chi Chín y Tequimón.

Estando ya en el espacio lo interesante va a comenzar cuando a uno de los opitas le descubren escondidos de contrabando unos quesillos y media de aguardiente Doble Anís. Todos se la querrán tomar y en ese momento uno de los caleños sacará un revolver para poner orden pero resulta que habrá dejado las balas en el cajón de la mesita de noche de la hija de 7 años. Entonces el pastuso se va a asustar en demasiado y llamará a la Tierra. Su primer intento será fallido cuando trate de comunicarse por medio de una careta que proporciona aire. Luego se dará cuenta de su error por una mirada y un “eche… no joda men” del costeño que le señala la radio. El oriundo de las latitudes del sur va a hablar con los que están en tierra, en el centro de lanzamiento de Chocontá, usando unas palabras que más o menos serán las siguientes:

- ¡ Chocon Chocon! ¡Acá Consentido II! ¡Habesh si están por allí o por acá!
- …
- ¡Chocon Chocon! ¡Escúchenmen!
- ¿Qué pasa hombre…? ¡Deje dormir! - (hablando con la boca llena de bocadillo veleño).
- ¡Sumercé mire que el caleño y el opita se están dando en la jeta! ¡El costeño ya está ‘jincho’ escuchando Los Inquietos y sacándose los mocos con una ficha de dominó; el otro opita está armando una lechona en la cápsula de lanzamiento; el caleño faltante se atoró con un pandebono y disque quiere abrir la puerta pa’ vomitar y yo no encuentro el baño! ¡Me tocó hacer del cuerpo en un platón que encontré en el sector 8!
- Ole pisco… espérese tantico que del equipo de trabajo unos están en el patio haciendo un sancocho, otros acostados en el pasto como con ‘modorra’ y los demás se están echando un ‘picadito’ de micro. Que llame más tarde o deje la razón. Y que vaya y limpie el platón que ese es el satélite que tienen que dejar orbitando - (hablando con la boca más llena pero de rellena, bofe, chunchulla y chanfaina).
- ???????????


El pastuso desistirá de hacer algo y decidirá comerse el cuy que le mandó la esposa.

A los 2 días se les acabarán los 40 petacos de cerveza Poker, el costeño se habrá comido al pastuso, los dos caleños rayarán el CD pirata del Grupo Niche y los opitas van a discutir sobre a quien le corresponde comerse la última achira que les queda.

Las hojas de tamal levitarán en la cabina de mando, el satélite no se sabe quien lo desvalijó, una arepa e’ guevo se va a atorar en los controles del brazo mecánico y los botones del panel del piloto van a están enmelcochados de manjar blanco. Todo el tiempo se escuchará un CD de Charrito Negro y en las pantallas estará rotando una película porno de origen llanero.

A los 4 días el costeño pide conexión urgente con La Vallenata para programar una canción, el pastuso nombra ‘padrino’ de su cuarto hijo al piloto automático, un caleño pone unos dados de felpa y pega una calcomanía en el puesto del piloto que dice “Que Dios le conceda el doble de lo que usted me desea”, un opita hará caldo de costilla para el guayabo ‘tigresco’, el otro opita estará organizando la rifa de una botella de whisky VAT 69 y el caleño faltante va a colgar la reproducción de La Última Cena en el comedor del trasbordador y cojerá a pata la rana porque se le quedaron 3 argollas adentro.

A los 7 días deciden devolverse a La Tierra porque van a seguir la rumba en un estadero que hay entre Neiva y Garzón (Huila) en donde a uno de los opitas le dan crédito. De ahí salen para Cali a un club nocturno donde trabaja la esposa de uno de los caleños, siguen para Las Fiestas del Chivo en la costa y rematan en Rumichaca que el pastuso invitó a ‘paseo bugueño’.

En el descenso se comunicarán con Chocontá y tendrán la siguiente conversación:

- Ajá ¿y entonces vieja Chocon? ¡Acá les hablan los de el ‘Consentido II’! Acá la vaina está full bacán 5 5. ¿Qué se dice?
- No acá esperádolos. No se demoren.
- No hombe… lo que se demore en bajar la nave y en calentarsen los chorizos que pusimos a asar en el fuselaje. ¿Cómo los quieren?
- Doraditos ‘Consentido II’. Cambio.
 
posted by El Da-wei at 10:28 p. m. | Permalink |


70 Comments:


  • At 11:59 p. m., Blogger Giorgio Pasteur

    Este post esta una chimba, no me dejé de reir, saquele el jugo xq esta bacano, pero deberia haber ido el rollo que pusiera orden

     
  • At 12:38 a. m., Anonymous Anónimo

    Me reí mucho al leer este post, la primera, la segunda, la tercera vez… es una muestra de tu ingenio y de tu particular manera de “soñar” (ya quisiera yo poder recordar tantos detalles…jejeje). Muy acertada la mención del “copete de Alf” (que a propósito mis primas tuvieron y era patético), la hoja de tamal levitante (que sería interesante ver), el satélite desvalijado (cuando no), la arepa e’ huevo trabada en los controles del brazo mecánico (como estaría de tiesa) y el “calentao” para el camino (el “mecato”, que llaman), entre otras. En fin… después de leerlo me dieron ganas de montar en Consentido II.
    Pd. -Tambien quiero montar en “La Marrana”.
    - No es nada personal, pero ahi están pintados los costeños, los opitas, los pastusos y los caleños.
    - Buena idea para posicionar a Chocontá como centro turístico.

    Excelente post, querido patrón.

     
  • At 1:06 a. m., Blogger FUANIS

    Ahhhhh... Ahora sí entendí. Siempre me había preguntado por qué este país no progresaba... He aquí una de las posibles (y múltiples) respuestas.

     
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  • At 10:53 p. m., Blogger ANDRES LOPEZ

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  • At 10:55 p. m., Blogger Juan Felipe Chamorro

    jajaja. Muy bueno parce

     
  • At 11:06 p. m., Blogger DaniloG

    jajajaaj muy bacano.
    Saludos!

     
  • At 11:25 p. m., Anonymous Anónimo

    Jajajaja ahora todo tiene sentido para mi.

    Conociendo

     
  • At 3:00 p. m., Blogger ::::W::::

    La falta de tiempo me impide disfrutar ahora de su blog, pero, por lo más sagrado ( la cerveza), que destinaré tiempo a darle la debida lectura a su espacio cibernético, gracias por el link

     
  • At 6:31 p. m., Blogger Ange

    no sería mala idea que pusieras una cajita para saludarte no?

     
  • At 12:50 p. m., Blogger CRONICAS VALLENATAS

    Patrón:

    ¿Cuál fué la canción vallenata que programó a los 4 dias el costeño en LA VALLENATA?

    Un post excelente. Muy divertido.

    JAIME HUMBERTO MEDINA MEDINA

     
  • At 5:14 p. m., Blogger Kafre

    Estaun risa complet, esta excelente patron .

     
  • At 12:42 a. m., Blogger miss k

    humm que buen proyecto este del patrocinio a la "industria aeroespacial"... y después de ésto.. me pregunto..patrón y cómo es la convocatoria pal diseño de la aeronave?
    jajjajaja muy bueno su post.. saluditos

     
  • At 7:29 a. m., Blogger cavernadeltoposauro

    Para la encuesta:

    ¿Fuiste o te sentiste maltratado de niño?

    topamos…

     
  • At 12:12 p. m., Blogger Maria Fernanda

    Jua jua jua! Esto era lo que necesitaba para terminar de comprender mi país del sagrado corazón!

     
  • At 4:51 p. m., Blogger DaniEla

    jajaja.. que video de post..!! Te felicito pro tu gran imaginación, son de esas lecturas que hacen que cuando uno está de mal humor, tenga con qué sacárselo.

    Un abrazo.

     
  • At 4:29 p. m., Blogger OJUJFTYU

    De donde carajos saca todo eso? Muy bueno el blog, saludos de yoresongo

     
  • At 6:25 p. m., Blogger Unknown

    hello!!
    me rei muchisimoo con este post...... y bueno desde choconta jajaja si el que mando la nasa para pluton llega el 2014 como sera este consentido..
    ademas entre la tripulacion falta el tipico " mico"""
    jajaja
    saludos

     
  • At 8:18 p. m., Blogger Ange

    patrón donde anda?

     
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    Me vine a conocer el chuzo de un paisano de Boyacá.....

    Adelante a la cima que guarda
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  • At 9:41 p. m., Blogger Pili

    Jajajaja. 1000 gracias por ésta tarde de risa. Qué chimba es reírse de uno mismo o cuasiuno mismo.

    Ah, sumercé, qué si se pasa por mi rancho surreal, qué gracias, qué es para un asuntico, vaya y se entera.

     
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